Cringeworthy One Star Reviews of Classic Books

Illustration by AJC1

Kindle Direct Publishing has given writers an amazing  gift, a way to reach a worldwide audience. Anyone who meets Amazon’s standards can publish a book or story, and anyone can leave a review to haunt you.

Every KDP writer will eventually have to endure the Amazon one star review. They are part of the new publishing landscape.

Negative reviews range from illiterate, crazy diatribes, revealing more about the reviewer’s state of mind than the book itself, to pointed critiques by shrewd and pissed off readers. Why do people leave one star reviews? It’s simple, they’re experiencing a strong emotional reaction. Maybe the reviewer doesn’t like swear words, or they had to read the book for school or book club, or they just saw the movie and the book’s not the same, or the book conflicts with their personal philosophy about life, or they don’t think this is what a story should be.

Whether the one star review is a raw, visceral slap or a deeply cutting dissection that stings, they can be a shock for writers who took a big emotional risk to release their work in the first place.  Well written, critical reviews can be profound and truthful, painfully educating the writer. But often, the one star review on Amazon reveals nothing more than a confused individual who is lost in a book that is beyond their comprehension or a mismatch; a reader who was looking for something else and is disappointed.

To writers  just starting out, a one star review can be paralyzing.  Most of the writers I know tend to torture themselves anyway. They love books and they agonize over the quality of their prose. So those critical reviews can embody their worst fears.

What you need to realize is that every single book on Amazon, no matter how brilliant or historically significant, gets one star reviews. They go with the territory, people! And they can be hilarious, in all their misspelled, raw glory.

Imagine if Charles Dickens was publishing today? No lag time, just anybody who had a gut reaction to one of his stories typing away and posting their review. Would he have felt discouraged?

Is there a point when you should pay attention to negative reviews? Absolutely! The hive mind has an uncanny way of picking up on things. Listening to reviewers is an essential learning tool. But you need to put things in perspective. A fair number of one star reviews are just plain silly and should be ignored. The fact is you cannot write a book or story without receiving some crappy reviews. Period.

And I can prove it to you.

Here are some examples of one star reviews for classic books. You will see that no one, no matter how masterful escapes the poison pen. So gaze upon the cringe-worthy reviews of classics and don’t let other people’s opinions discourage you from pursuing your craft.

(All misspellings and punctuation are intact, so don’t blame me.)

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens 

“… this book is tortureous. He uses unnecessary comparrisons and words that nobody understands. I understand Dickens is a great writer and it show. Everybody knows this story you do not need to torture yourself ny reading this though. It is boring and hard to understand . Just watch one of the movies. “~Ronald Reardon

 

 

“… characters are boring and superficial. If there was a moral to the story I missed it.” ~ mimi “mimi”

 

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

 

“… female characters are a bunch of air heads that are significantly over indulged and have nothing else to do but simper and fret. The male characters are not paragons of thought either.” ~ Max Montgomery

 

“… they cut out all of the scenes with zombies. This was obviously edited to try and appeal to a wider audience.” ~ Charles G. Meyer

 

“… It’s like People magazine written in 18th century English.” ~ Score

 

The Shining by Stephen King

“…The damn book made me want to sleep. I read about 100 pages. It was so boring that i couldn’t concentrate on it. Redrum, ok great but is that the only thing in the book thats trying to make me not stop reading? Come on!… ” ~A Customer

 

“…You want to scar the readers Stephen King? Vc. Andrews writs scarier novels then you and has the same length as your book. The book goes off explaining how there’s food in there about on paragraph too long. All the guy had to say there’s food in the cabinet in the refrigerator and so on. Don’t need more then three lines to explain food. I need to get to really scary parts and make me scared or it sucks.” ~no

Game of Thrones ( box set) by George R.R.Martin

“…This writer loves to kill off the people you bother to like…the people he bothers to write whole books about…then the next thing you know the bad guys are happily parading their heads around on sticks! Who needs the good guys anymore?! “Off with their heads!” is the motto of these books.” ~ Miss Chris

 

“…Oh, the characters. I have never met a more contemptible bunch of losers and scum. By the middle of book 1, I didn’t even care who died anymore – in fact, I was actively hoping for everybody to just get it over with and kill each other so the story would finally end.” ~Aaron G

Harry Potter: The Sorceror’s Stone by JK Rowling

“…Along with the “Scooby Doo” ending (I thought of this myself before reading the reviews), severe lack of moral focus, and just generally mediocre writing, I wonder why any adult would get excited about it and infect their children with the same.” ~I.M. Hoogendyk “the critical eye”

 

“…For one thing, it’s terribly overwraught; the supreme clumsiness and obviousness with which the writer tries to manipulate our emotions is totally laughable. In fact, I can’t believe that even children fall for it. ” Red Moose “Mark”

 

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“…If you’re immortal and have time to waste on junk, then go ahead and read this book. I’m not immortal and I just wasted too many of my limited hours on this Earth on this steaming pile of dung.”~ B5Anteros

 

“…opaque, confusing, rambling nonsense. I have enjoyed his other books but this is just . . . . senseless.”~Alison Stock

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

“…Characters and plots are very confusing right from the get-go, choppy storyline with rapes, incest, lesbianism; all rather confusing. It seems like a story without a real theme to it.”~Yoo Win

 

“…Read this book only if you have an IQ less than 80 and if your idea of literature is People magazine. Or if you’re an aging former hippie with so little clue as to what’s going on in the world that you need a daytime trash-talk show host to tell you what to read.” ~ Chris Belfry

 

A Clockwork Orange Anthony Burgess

“…Hated it. The made up slang words ruined the book for me – it’s way too annoying to have to constantly refer to the dictionary in the back of the book. I couldn’t even finish it. I made it through two chapters and then quit.”~BellaGrace

 

“…This book is the product of a diseased mind or, more likely, of someone desperately wanting literary attention. He got his attention only because literary standards have been so degraded in the last fifty years. ” ~Flying Scot